5 Things You’ll See After Amateur Football Winter Break

The winter break is a time when superstar footballers jet off to Dubai and cavort with scantily-clad supermodels. Let’s face it, for the non-league player it’s a two week period of turning into a fat bastard, drinking oneself into oblivion – so much so that you can’t move your eyeballs – and watching that rerun of Back to the Future for the fiftieth time.
So here at #GRG we take a look at the top 5 signs it’s the first game of a new year… Roll on 2015!

1. The fat Ronaldo…

Christmas isn’t kind to the non-league superstars, you’re nippy winger turns up in January looking like he’s taken part in a two-week eating contest and your goalkeeper is still hammered. The first 15 mins are played at frenetic pace, while the remaining 75 are a re-enactment of the beach scene in Saving Private Ryan.

2. The mud bath…

You turn up to your home pitch and if the goalposts haven’t been burnt down by yobs then you’re good to go. Hang on, the pitch looks like it’s been shelled by heavy artillery for the last four years. The mud-bath conditions are a real leveller, good thing you’re playing the Sunday League equivalent of Stoke City this weekend.

3. It smells like Big Foot’s dick…

Four weeks without football, the last thing you think about is the sodden kit lying crumpled in the kitbag. Fast-forward a month and it’s currently growing new life forms and producing smells that could knock out the opposition. A quick wash should cover it.

4. New year, new treads…

 As you sit there in the battered changing rooms you could be forgiven for thinking you’re sat alongside some of the world’s finest stars. An array of brand new bright coloured boots surround you, your team has never looked so good, it should only take 5 mins for the mud and reality to kick in.

5. Hope springs eternal…

Despite losing more than you won in the first half of the season, optimism is still high in your camp. Your manager is still absolutely convinced that you can win the league even though your last outing was an 8-1 defeat to a team who are as mid-table as you can be. It should only take two weeks to shake this feeling and the bollocking’s to recommence.

Matthew Cook

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.